Holy Hot Fuck, Batman!!!

a.k.a. I love GEM and made her a pretty b-day present!

[With guest commentary from the b-day girl herself, GEM!!]

So, I made GEM a birthday card. [GEM note: I think what you *meant* to say is that ‘to honor your super-fabulous, most-fun friend EVER, you made her a birthday card.’ Just to be clear.] Technically, I bought her a birthday card, and I made it more better (as my step-dad would say. This, the same step-dad that says “ax” instead of “ask”, because he is an A-S-S! But I digress…really I do!).

And as an aside, because this is my blog and I can do that…I made this card instead of doing homework and then had to stay up till 2 am doing homework, because it still needed to be done, and I had to leave an “I’m horny but I might be too tired to wake up, but please try” note to my husband – who is working the crappy night shift right now and gets home from work at 3 am! Anyway, back to GEM and her b-day card. (Oh and I DID get some, in case you are wondering! :) And then had to wake up at 6:30 to get the boy ready for school :( !) [GEM: OMG I was SO NOT wondering! Ewwww! I know your husband! I like your husband! I don’t need to know that you guys have sex!]

At first, I was going to get GEM this card:



(Fix twilight card so can’t see Taylor pictures in background…or retake the damn thing!) [GEM: oh no you gotta leave it. You can’t ever remove Tay-Tay pics from anything, ever.] (So, I left it in for you, GEM!)

But she doesn’t like Edward (or Robert…I KNOW and I STILL am friends with her!) [GEM: This is not entirely true. Edward is a pompous blow-hard. I have come to love Interview Rob, and would totally have a mega-crush on him, but I am being gracious and letting Lost Rose have him since she saw him first. And, he’s white, and I have a thing for brown dudes. Like Jacob.]…she has a girl crush on Kristen, not Bella [GEM: Bella is a weenie and Kristen… Kristen is SO rad.], and she would really rather the card had one of the wolf pack, shirtless, on it, especially Taycob! [GEM: No, no, let’s not get carried away… I just want Jacob shirtless. The rest of the wolf pack is filler.] So, what do I do? I keep looking and I find this:


[Regular card]

Not perfect, but closer. I buy it, and my mind starts percolating! [GEM: Stand the fuck back, everybody, because Lost Rose’s mind is a scary, scary place.] I go trolling the internet when I get home, looking for any “old” picture of Taylor, and find these!


[Mess o’ Taylor pics]

I didn’t even care if they were going to fit on the card when I first printed them out. I was just trying to get the damn things printed before my nine-year old son (who likes to bust out my Twi-obsession in public – imagine my handsome little boy in a sing-songy and MUCH-TOO-LOUD voice saying, “Hey Mom, isn’t that Eddd-ward Cu-llllen”, much to my horror and his amusement, since I am still in the twi-closet – and doesn’t need ANY more fuel for that fire!) gets out of the shower and sees me on his computer, which for some reason is the only one that is hooked up to the fucking color printer!

But which of my Tay-Tay pictures do I use?

This?


[Super young and kind of creepy T]

This?

[Bad wig T]

Or HOLY HOT FUCK, THIS!!


[GEM: THIS ONE, THIS ONE, TOTALLY USE THIS ONE!]

But that really wasn’t enough. What, you say! Not enough??

I ALWAYS pick on GEM because she lusts after a 17-year old…in a purely platonic way, of course! And sure, Taylor bathes regularly, has sight-blinding white and super straight teeth, knows how to dress himself (or maybe he still has his mom dress him, he IS only seventeen!), and probably brushes his hair more often than my lovely pudgy British boy, and let’s not even start talking about Taycob’s abs, but, Robert is just beautiful! I think of it this way. GEM and I don’t fight over who licks the screen. [GEM: See? By letting LR have Rob, I ‘get’ Baby Tay-Tay and this way everyone’s happy! I’m so magnanimous!] Unless they are both on the screen! Then we hold hands and take turns; because we share and are gay like that! (GEM and I have fully adopted the “fake lesbian” lifestyle Letters to Twilight have featured time and time again!)

Damn, I got off track again! Gem’s b-day card and what I did to it! I decided that one picture wasn’t going to be enough. And, if I mailed the card, GEM really needed to know what I was thinking as I created it! And, so…

Project “GEM’s B-Day Card Fixer-Upper” is on! Supplies needed and gathered: Crappy kitchen scissors (because I don’t own a real pair), tape, glue stick, OG b-day card, lots of cute Taylor pics (both young and…uhhmm…younger?), a pen, and a butt-load of sticky notes! I took tons of pictures of my project, and then I remembered that my camera does video. I NEEDED to document ALL the wonder and joy that went into GEM’s b-day card. It NEEDED to be shared.

And THIS was created!

[fucking Blogger fail here!]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VVGaPi0dpU

[note from me...G*d damnit! I can't get the fucking video to load in Blogger and I promised GEM that I would get this damn thing up soon and I am SOOO fucking over it! So, you have to follow this fucking link to YouTube to see my lovely video! If I get the stupid thing to load, I will update the damn blog, but until then...sorry...sucks to be ME!!]


I am slightly embarrassed! [GEM: when really she should be damn proud. I am – does anyone have a finer fake-gay Twitarded girlfriend than I? I think not.]

I thought I was going to have to mail this to GEM so I got it all ready for the PO trip. Safe in the envelope that came with the card – and more sticky notes –, I wrapped the entire thing in red tissue paper, and shoved it, lovingly, into a bigger envelope that I then used clear mailing tape to hold the shape nice and tight (that’s what she said!).

Luckily GEM called before I got to the PO and we arranged a play date, the day before her b-day, which made me super excited because it meant I would get to actually SEE GEM open her card. She thought I got her a Twilight b-day card…I did buy the Twilight card; it is just MINE now, and my b-day isn’t until April! [GEM: She sleeps with it under her pillow, next to her New Moon ticket stub] (Me: NOT TRUE!)

For some reason, GEM said she was nervous about what I got her! I don’t know what I did to deserve that reputation. She really is the evil one! [GEM: Nuh-uh – *I* did not spend hours constructing the finest underage-beefcake birthday card EVER.]

Anyway, I got to see her open her card, and my favorite thing she said was…when she got to the last sticky, you know the one that said “ENJOY”…she said (oh, and don’t even TRY to deny it because I was recording your ass opening that damn thing so that I could remember what you said, GEM!!), “Do I see what’s under the last sticky?” Just a refresher so you don’t have to watch the entire video again…I put the sticky notes on the crotch of the man-whore…uhm, card model, because I didn’t want to cover up the abs. NOT BECAUSE I WAS HIDING A PENIS UNDER THERE FOR GOD’S SAKE, GEM!!! [Things like this are why I feel so guilty about … admiring… a 17 year old.]

Anyway, GEM got her card (and some cookies to boot), I got to watch her open her card, and then I showed her the lovely video of me and her card. She laughed about, “If I was any good, I would have made it rhyme!”, but it is so true! And she agreed that we had to share with the Twitarded girls! [GEM: Because let’s face it, if there’s a Twitarded hall of fame, Lost Rose just earned her spot.]

I just wanted to add one more thing…

I LOVE YOU, GEM…oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Here is some KStew porn to get you through your day...and the stupid video-fail-blogger that I am!
Cause I KNOW you dig the mullet!

In "honor" of our fake-lesbian love affair, and to showcase my Super-fuck-awesome MS Paint skills. I could change the world if I had a real graphics program and knew what the fuck I was doing, huh!!!

:)lrb

Sources:

Cool Dakota/KStew Runaways pic - Flix66; Nascar KStew/another Runaways pic - celebrityredcarpetstyle; GEM/lrb love - some google image site?; and the rest are ALL ME, Baby!!

G*d Damned "friends" are ignoring me...thank damn G*d for GEM!

*AND I am still blogger-retarded, so I will try real HARD (hee, hee!) to get this to format all pretty like I want it to be, but no fucking guarantees! It is 1:30am and Max, my stupid boxer, keeps on farting....FUCK!*

So, with only eight or nine or ten, FUCK I can't do math...200 hours, god that seems SOOO long (that's what she said!)...back to days, it is less depressing...off to count on both hands...FUCK!

Starting over...Oh, and this WILL be very ramble-y! You (GEM, my lone reader, and the only one that matters in my life anyways, cuz we are gay like that*readhercommentatend*!) have been warned!

So, with just over eight days to go till I get to see New Moon with my biotches, to say I am excited is a bit of an understatement (meiosis, just for GEM so you know I take notes in my lit class - and the link references flesh wounds & Monty Python and the Holy Grail, BONUS!!) I don't nearly pee myself when I think of what I will be doing on November 20th @ 7:30pm. No, I wouldn't go that far (hyperbole...GEM!)

Anyways...So, I emailed my girls last week and only GEM got back to me, probably because she is the only one that loves me *youclickedthelinkabove,right*!

Here is the email from last week:

To: Green-Eyed Momster (GEM), Stresser-Mom (SM), and Still-a-Newlywed (SaN)
From: lrb
Subject: Girls, in 17 days from when I started typing this email...

...we will have seen IT!!! Yes, IT, and I CAN"T WAIT!!!!!

As I mentioned to y'all in an email last week, I have started to NOT lurk around some of my "news" sites so that I can become re-virginified! Every once in a while, I
see a still, but no more movie trailers - fan-made, Summit-released, official, not official, NONE OF IT!!!!

I just side-tracked my own email! Moving on...

So, I thought we needed to start thinking about a plan of attack!
Here are some who, what, when, why, and how's for us to discuss!

Who - well that one is easy...US
What - YOU KNOW!! IT!!!
When's and where's and some more what's...
-I think we should all meet at my house and take only one car. The theatre is about 5 miles or 10 minutes away. We can fight about who drives later :) Can we all agree to
this one?
-We need to decide what time we want to get to the theatre. I am thinking at least two hours ahead of time, meaning 5:30. I think this should be fine. Agreed?
-Once we decide when we want to get to the theatre, we can decide when you want to get to my house! The earlier you get here, the more Mojito's you can drink! Mr. lrb *super excited, I FINALLY got to type THAT!* is off this day, so I won't have to worry about Master G AT ALL!!!
-Then ask me the most basic question. What do we eat? (Yeah, I am a dork!) Anyway...There is a Rubio's and an Albertson's in this strip mall. Or we can buy food on the way and eat in line, I don't care. What I do care about is that there is the ever important COLD STONE in this mall. And, there should also be plenty of places to go pee!
-Is there anything (re:alcohol) that we need to bring to the theatre besides us, alcohol, our tickets, and some liquor!
-CLOTHES! I have our shirts. I will wash them and you girls can put them on
here! I am SOOO excited and a super big dork!

Why - do I REALLY need to answer this one?
How - I think this is covered above somewhere...

Question recap-
What time do we want to get to the theatre?
When should I warn Mr. lrb that a bunch of crazy women are storming the house?
Should we drink...and what should we drink?
Food, we will need some food! And ice cream!!
Anything else?

Alright, I think that is a good start for us. I am sure I forgot something, but this is to just start getting us thinking!

I will email y'all later with totals on the tickets and shirts, but I am not super worried about it. I know how to find most of you! :)

Be Safe!!
Super-dorky, even-more-excited, way-too-old but don't-care lrb!!!

PS - HOW PROUD OF ME ARE YOU? An entire email with not a single fuck, shit, damnit all to hell, or son of a bitch! God, I AM PROUD OF ME!!! :)

Cool, huh! I asked questions, and DIDN'T swear! And what did I get for all my hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and sleepless nights? NOTHING!

Well, that's not true. GEM and I text and email ALL the time, and WE are cool-like-that, but from SM and SaN...nothing. I have a dorky Twilight reference, but really...I am not that funny, dorky, or lame...okay I am dorky and lame...but, no...I ain't going there, not tonight! :)

So, today, with (checking my math above) just over eight days to go, what did I send to my biotches!

This!

To: Green-Eyed Momster (GEM), Stresser-Mom (SM), and Still-a-Newlywed (SaN)
From: lrb
Subject: NEXT WEEK!!! EEEEKKKK!! Yes...I drop a few 'f' bombs...surprise!!

Alright ladies, now that my screaming is done...EMAIL ME BACK about my questions/suggestions far below (if you can look past the yummers!). I have only heard from GEM, so I know that half of us are making it next Friday!!! Come on...you don't even have to be as excited as I am about it, just let me know you still care! :)

Below is my MasterCard commercial for y'all!

I had to do this in fucking PAINT, for fuck's sake...so SaN *she is a graphic designer*, please be nice! Paint, which didn't have a pretty Twilight font, and is HARD as FUCK to use [that's what she said!!]! Did you all know that in Paint you can't select text and edit it after you have clicked off it to do something else...you have to edit it as you place it. So, you can't select existing text and, say, change the font, size, or add a FUCKING exclamation point! You have to un-do everything you have done, until you un-do the thing you want to edit! FUCK, do I love y'all or what?

And, yes, my exclamation points just MIGHT be pointing at someone's tingly bits! I didn't even plan that! Really, I didn't!

Can't wait till next week!! :) J"lrb"...which if you squint your eyes just right, looks like JPattz!! Take THAT SM (Pa"SM" doesn't match up right, you know!)

SIDE NOTE: To fully understand WTF on that siggy, you have to know that if you change two letters in my real last name, one of which is changing an 's' to a 'z', you get Pattz. Now, SM, whose real last name does at least start with a Pa, doesn't "flow" or meld into HHH (His Holy Hotness, in case GEM hasn't learned that bit of info!) like MY name does. BTW - since we are both married, I find this comparison even more funny! I had to explain, because using our fake names doesn't do my funny justice!

Oh...and here is the picture I SLAVED over in Paint! Clicky-clicky to read!

And, yeah, THIS finally got at least SaN to email me back. You would think the idea of liquor, a bunch of married old women, and frickin' Twilight would get a quicker response out of these ladies! Huh!?!

SIDE NOTE - Why do dog fart's stink so fucking much! Damn it all to fucking hell! Why do I have dogs again? Oh, and GEM, guess who ate a mango yesterday? A mango that was in a big ceramic bowl on the hutch (luckily the bowl didn't fall down and break when Max got to the mango); a mango that Master G was waiting to fully ripen so he could eat it? Max ate the pit and all...well, most of the pit and all; I found part of the pit and pieces of skin...all over my fucking living room floor! Do you know anyone who wants a stupid, but very handsome, dog?

Shoulda been my first post & one of the reasons I LOVE GEM!!

***one last try to make it pretty, see previous post***

So what I am about to ramble on about here is one of the reasons I wanted to start a blog to begin with. Another is so GEM and I can say we are Cool-Like-That (All Digable Planets style!)*If I was really cool like that, I would know how to make that a link to the You Tube video, damn it! But the song really isn't THAT cool! And, I am not really trying very hard either!*

Anyways...back to this blog post...

So, waaaay back in early September (I looked up the email string), I recieved a letter in my mailbox from GEM. MAIL, you know the thing that you need to put a stamp on and a person delivers it to your door....real slow like! Curious, and knowing it HAD to be good (GEM IS Cool-Like-That!), I tore open the envelope and what do I find?

This...

What is that, you ask? Here is a close up or three! (Don't hate on my super-mad "PAINT" skills to protect GEM's "innocence"!)

*Like, I wouldn't think it was funny, GEM!*

*I'll be the hot fudge on a cool, creamy Edward! *

Yeah, that's right, GEM found an envelope, addressed it, wasted a bill-paying-worthy stamp, and MAILED me a coupon...for Edward's Singles. I think it was the "You know you want me." that got her...and me!

This, of course, prompts a thank you letter...you know, the fast, interwebs way!

email to GEM from lrb-

Hello GEM-
I just got your letter. That shit cracks me up. I took pictures, and if I can find the time (translated to mean, never, damn it), you and your coupon are going to be my
first post on my "fake" blog...you know the one I created so I don't have all the twilight stuff connected to my "real" blog...you know the one that I don't ever update!!

I will let you know when I get the post done. I need to work some photoshop magic, to keep the innocent, namely you and your name, well, to keep you innocent!

:)lrb

And the back and forth begins....

GEM to lrb:

"I am SO GLAD you got the joke... I mean, I thought it was funny, but I was
like, what if she doesn't think it's funny? Then I look like such an asshole. Are we
twitards of our own?

I love that you are starting a fake blog... I keep trying to start one too, can't decide
between blogspot and livejournal, have you used either? where is your real blog? And I need my Team Jacob photo for 'my' blog! Ha!" email continues...something about hot rpattz smokin' a ciggy pictures..."I'm sorry but sometimes he just looks like a pudgy brit boy which is kinda what he is. Taycob NEVER looks like a pudgy white boy! ;) GEM" *This email response started the "pudgy brit boy" hate from GEM, see my ACTUAL first post - linked if I was cool-like-that!*

lrb to GEM:

"And he isn't pudgy, just white! I have nothing to say about Taycob...I am just awed
that you are using his name that way :) I don't refer to HIM as Robward...It is either Edward or Robert, depending on which fantasy I am telling/living/drooling over!!! :)"

GEM to lrb:

"I called him Taycob, to be honest, because I started out typing Jacob, knew that wasn't right, but sometimes have a hard time remembering if his name is TYLER or TAYLOR. Look, I just want to nail him, it's not like I want to get to know him or anything." *lrb note: What a fan GEM is, huh!?*

lrb to GEM:

"All I have to say is...I LOVE YOU...You complete me...You are my life now! Whatever, I can't imagine a funnier, nicer person with whom to be so incredibly dorky! (Warning---tangent---I hate the English language sometimes...ending sentences with prepositions just sounds so much better...and less pretentious and snooty...or maybe it is just a comfort thing?---tangent done!) Thanks for finally coming to the dark side...and by dark side, I mean that Taylor will never be a pudgy, white, British boy, so you can have him! I was amazed about the Taycob thing because that is what they call him, if you are "in the know", or read a lot of useless info on the interwebs!"...ramble, ramble... "Andddd...*I am a big "AND" person* I mentioned to Stresser Mom *who was stressing cuz she felt left out of the loop in the GEM/lrb twi-dorkiness!* today that I hadn't seen you in a while (okay, so it has been, what, like 2 weeks? FOREVER!!), but that we actually email quite a bit! I think it is funny and great and I LOVE you for it! And since that puts us back where I started this response, with me confessing my love for you, I am off to bed!"

So, GEM...

I LOVE YOU because...

You complete me!

You send me mail, through the post office

You mail me coupons that remind you, and me, of Edward and his dessert-y yummi-ness!

You will gladly let me have Robert, and I will bail you out of jail for it!

And, with that bit of poetry, I am off to bed!

:)lrb

PS - fucking blogger better fucking not fuck up my fucking formatting, FUCK!

I am stupid and I HATE blogger...

Before I hit publish my next post, I wanted to rant about my lack of understanding on the formatting functions of blogger!

WHY does the preview NOT look like the non-preview? WHY doesn't the non-preview show me what the fonts look like when I change them? WHY is it that EVERYTIME I return to non-preview, all my formatting goes to hell? WHY doesn't it always register my hard returns? WHY blogger, WHY? I am sure it is because I am a retard, but really, I'm not that retarded!

I just wanted that rant out of the way, because I know my next post is going to be all kinds of fucked up because of my retardation! I wanted someone (ie: GEM, cuz she is the only one that comes here!) to know that it isn't because I don't care, or that I don't want my blog to look pretty. It is because blogger SUCKS!!!

:(lrb

Oh...and GEM....

...Your comment to make up for, uhmmmm, something very important I may have blogged about yesterday, still hasn't come through. Or were you going to comment on my half-snipped brother? Either way, it hasn't come through...

Which leads me to think you either 1) Hate me for calling you a bitch, 2) You were re-reading "The Office" - because REALLY what else do we have to do with our lives - when you emailed me about posting a comment and accidentally sent a message to the author chick about my half-snipped brother, or 3) My blog is broken...

Either way I still love you! Please try again so I know if I am the really "special" one in this relationship!

Oh, and should I let Lil' Bro know about this? I mean, I told him about it but do I risk sending him the link?

:)lrb

What...did you think I would post something without a picture? Although there are a few fuckhawt new pics of RP out there that may or may not be in my Obsessions folder of the laptop, I really wanted to show off the enjoyment my new phone gives me. It has photo-editing stuff on it!...

HA! (Let me know if you want me to work my MAD Paint skills and hide your face! Although you are my only follower and the non-edited pic is on your profile...but I wanted to give you the option!)

ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME, GEM!!!

See what I got today...

To help me make it to whenever GEM brings me "our" copy of Sexy Stars of New Moon, I bought this today...

*Yes, that is my literature anthology UNDERNEATH my newly acquired copy of time-wasting material! You can see it in the top right corner...sort of!*

I also ran around Hot Topic and Spencer's with my nine-year old taking random pictures to torture GEM with...while "explaining" my behavior to my son with things like, "I am soooo going to make fun of GEM with these pictures!" This is perfectly normal conversation to distract anyone from thinking the pictures were for me or that I actually have read *gasp* or even lusted *double-gasp* over anything Twilight related!

I couldn't resist a picture of "not-hot-cuz-of-the-bad-wig" Jacob!

Here you go GEM!!! He's all yours, in four months :)

:)lrb

GEM and I might be fighting...or we might just be retarded!

So, to aid in all our things Twilight, New Moon, and obsessions-we-really-are-too-old-to-have, GEM lovingly acquired a copy of the new "Sexy Stars of New Moon". You know, THIS one!

Here is how it all went down...

Last weekend, GEM was at the airport and called me to ask about this beautiful magazine. Actually she called me to talk her down from her baby-withdrawals...and she hadn't even gotten through security yet!! After I assured her that the Bean wouldn't forget her because she went away for a much-deserved, two-day trip to see an old college friend, we moved on to our "Sexy Stars of New Moon" conversation. Did she really want to spend ten bucks on it? Did I really need it, because she would spend the ten bucks for me? (luv u GEM!) Were there any Teen Wolf (aka...Jail Bait!) pictures in it? Whatever...she got the damn magazine. And then flew to fucking Dallas with it for the weekend!

Loyal and thankful friend that I am, I didn't forget about GEM while she was off traipsing around with "our" magazine. While at the mall on Saturday, I came across...NOT acrost, because that IS NOT A WORD!!...anyway, I came across something that reminded me of my dear friend.

And the texting began...

lrb to GEM:
There is a shirtless Jacob shirt @ Hot Topic.
I'll send you a pic!
lrb to GEM:

GEM to lrb:
Oh sweet jesus! That oughta b illegal...oh wait
it is. So bummed my cell doesn't have a zoom!

Ha! Ha! GEM is so funny, and I don't have to threaten her when we drool, because she bats for the other "Team"! Mock her, frequently, but no threats for GEM.

Moving forward to Thursday - GEM is home from Dallas, and we finally can get ourselves together for a play date (we include the kids, so we can call it that!) Fun at the park and train station, yummy tuna salad for lunch, the Bean drops a BIG load in his britches, which is Master G and my sign to head on home!

But wait, I thought this post was about Sexy Stars? I am confused...why are you talking about parks and dirty diapers?

I, too, was confused...

lrb text to GEM:
WTF?? No showy me magazine of drool...sad lrb
:(
GEM to lrb:
The pgs r stuck 2gether-must get new
one...KIDDING!!!
lrb to GEM:
I might have to blog about this...if I can stay
awake...everytime I sit still for more than 5 min...I start to fall
asleep...sucks 4 reading! *(btw-GEM and I are FF whore wanna-be's and I am
taking 2 literature classes which are cutting deeply into my ff addiction and
sleeping schedule-in that order of importance!)*
GEM to lrb:
U must sleep-try an hr nap then rd. I thot of mag
like 5 times-just never got the wds out. If u blog it has 2 b how we r both
tards! Not just me. *(We both ARE retards, all the time, really!)*
lrb to GEM:
Of course...TARDS UNITE! *(Gotta stroke her ego -
GEM still has "our" magazine so I can't be pissy about her "thinking about it
like 5 times!" Did she really think of it 5 times, or was it, like 5 times? And
WHY could she "never get the wds out"? Damn it all to hell!!)*
GEM to lrb:
Also i was in car & i thot if she is txting
that office posted rt now I will die!! *(FF is rotting our
brains!)*
lrb to GEM:
Sorry...no update :( But my ? was equally
important...& equally sad in its denial!

So, now GEM has had the damn magazine for a full WEEK. I spent nearly four hours with her yesterday, and I still don't have a magazine to drool over while my husband isn't watching!! God only knows what she is doing to any pages that RP and 'not-legal-till-feb' share!!

That bitch!!

Addendum to post, even though I haven't hit "publish" yet - I just got an email from GEM. Seems Master G left his sweatshirt at her house yesterday. So, she is going to bring the sweatshirt AND the magazine over...next week! Damn it all to hell!!

I guess I shouldn't complain...I could have forked out the ten bucks myself. But then I wouldn't be able to bitch about it to...GEM, who is the only one that I have told about this damn blog!!

TARDS UNITE!!

LOVE YOU GEM!!!

So, my bro is funny, too....

I took my son and TWO of his friends from school bowling today. One on one, Master G's friends are okay - spastic at times, but they are nine-year old boys. Put three of them together, and WW3 is likely to start! But that isn't the point of this post (it might be for my "real blog")...what does this have to do with my funny brother...

Lucky for me, my brother decided to have mercy...uhm...join me in my plan for bowling fun. [Did I thank you yet, Master G's Uncle?] At one point, I went to high-five my brother, probably after he demonstrated an incredibly difficult gutter ball...hee, hee...and I noticed he had a mark smack dab in the middle of his palm.

Here is the convo that followed...

Me: "So, when did you go all 'Jesus Christ Pose' on us?" * (gratuitous Chris Cornell reference...oooooh, Chris Cornell!)

Lil' bro: "Yeah, I am only half-circumcised...ehhh?"

Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I'm gonna send that in a text to GEM! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Good thing the bowling alley wasn't too busy and no one was paying any attention to us, especially the three nine-year old's we were watching!

*No offense intended. Oh, and Lil' bro meant to say "crucified", not "circumcised", which is the only reason this was funny!

Oh, and since I mentioned the wondrous Chris Cornell, man with a golden voice, here is some sexy...

First post...no funny title...I'm a sucky blogger!

So, for my first post, I wanted to share a piece of my boring life.

Some girlfriends and I are venturing out of our lurkdom...obsession...whatever...to attend the New Moon premiere...well, not THE premiere, but we are going on opening night...well, not THE opening night...damn it, we are going on that Friday, okay. You know, THE Friday! November 20th!

So, I had taken it upon myself to be the pre-purchaser of our tickets. And the following email went out last night...(the names of the "innocent" have been changed for their protection!)...

email to: Green-Eyed Momster (GEM), Stresser-mom (SM), Still-a-Newlywed (SaN)
subject: Info for November girls date!!! (Only mild swearing and a few threats!)
~~~~~~~~

All righty ladies...

GEM reminded me yesterday that I didn't let you know that I DID in fact get our tickets!!!
Yes, I have them printed and stored in my lovely GQ magazine. You know the one with this cover...

The one GEM so lovingly bought at the airport for me on her way somewhere...and she didn't even smudge it up before she gave it to me! <3u,>!!

DAMN IT! He cleans up well!! Is he fuckhawt or what!!! GEM, you are NOT allowed to say anything but nice things about MY man, and SM, I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN if I need to, so step off!!! SaN, see the fun you are missing by being employed! Or still a newlywed!

Moving on...

Where are you all going to be November 20th @ 7:30? Yeah, that's right bb's, at the movies with me!! Once it gets closer we can figure out when we want to get there, where we want to eat, if we need to bring a flask...! Please remember ladies, we are going to be surrounded by a bunch of teeny-boppers and I WILL wait till AFTER I see the movie to bail anyone's ass out of jail. So, let's all be nice and friendly. Hopefully I won't be eating my words after I take out some loud, obnoxious thirteen year old wearing a Teen Wolf shirt (That was for you, GEM!)

Now, ask me the most basic question...I don't think I got the line quite right, and you ladies are normally lam-o with catching them anyways...back to the "most basic question"...What do we eat...uhmmm, I mean...What do we wear!!!

Pick a shirt ladies, and I will order it! I, unfortunately, really like the black maternity shirt at Cafepress best, but I will probably get something else. Who knows. I am also going to get some pins because I think they are cool and I am a dork...They will be my tiny present to you all for putting up with the teeny-boppers!

http://www.cafepress.com/Twitarded
http://www.zazzle.com/twitarded

Oh and SaN, since you probably don't know who these gals are...go to...http://twitarded.blogspot.com/ They are hilarious! Just be prepared, because blog lurking is serious business and a BIG time waster!!

Oh and just in case you need to SEE them...

and

Cuz I'm a dork like that!

Talk to y'all later!!!

Pudgy, no hair-washing, flannel wearing, crooked smile toting, dork-a-licious, beautiful bastard british boy lovin' lrb :)

PS - SM...I.WILL.TAKE.YOU.DOWN...STEP.OFF!!! :)

So, after sending this, I was cleaning out my sent folder, reading some of the random crap that I email to my friends - especially when it comes to Twilight, fan fiction, or GEM - and I came to a realization....I'm a funny gal. This realization made me think of Henry Rollins, but that post will have to wait for another day! Now, not everyone will find me funny. But, they can "SUCK IT!"...Triple H Style!! (Please nobody get that reference!)

Now, I need to hit the "Publish Post" button and feel the joy of...well...publishing! I will really feel the joy once GEM comments. She is the only one that is going to read this drivel anyway...

:)lostrosebrown


P.S. - Sorry, I don't know where I got that beautiful picture so I can't credit them and I don't know if I am a bad blogger by including the Twitarded links. This is my first blog post and I don't know all the crediting rules...I am just adding this to show my ignorance, ask for forgiveness, and cover my ass!