G*d Damned "friends" are ignoring me...thank damn G*d for GEM!

*AND I am still blogger-retarded, so I will try real HARD (hee, hee!) to get this to format all pretty like I want it to be, but no fucking guarantees! It is 1:30am and Max, my stupid boxer, keeps on farting....FUCK!*

So, with only eight or nine or ten, FUCK I can't do math...200 hours, god that seems SOOO long (that's what she said!)...back to days, it is less depressing...off to count on both hands...FUCK!

Starting over...Oh, and this WILL be very ramble-y! You (GEM, my lone reader, and the only one that matters in my life anyways, cuz we are gay like that*readhercommentatend*!) have been warned!

So, with just over eight days to go till I get to see New Moon with my biotches, to say I am excited is a bit of an understatement (meiosis, just for GEM so you know I take notes in my lit class - and the link references flesh wounds & Monty Python and the Holy Grail, BONUS!!) I don't nearly pee myself when I think of what I will be doing on November 20th @ 7:30pm. No, I wouldn't go that far (hyperbole...GEM!)

Anyways...So, I emailed my girls last week and only GEM got back to me, probably because she is the only one that loves me *youclickedthelinkabove,right*!

Here is the email from last week:

To: Green-Eyed Momster (GEM), Stresser-Mom (SM), and Still-a-Newlywed (SaN)
From: lrb
Subject: Girls, in 17 days from when I started typing this email...

...we will have seen IT!!! Yes, IT, and I CAN"T WAIT!!!!!

As I mentioned to y'all in an email last week, I have started to NOT lurk around some of my "news" sites so that I can become re-virginified! Every once in a while, I
see a still, but no more movie trailers - fan-made, Summit-released, official, not official, NONE OF IT!!!!

I just side-tracked my own email! Moving on...

So, I thought we needed to start thinking about a plan of attack!
Here are some who, what, when, why, and how's for us to discuss!

Who - well that one is easy...US
What - YOU KNOW!! IT!!!
When's and where's and some more what's...
-I think we should all meet at my house and take only one car. The theatre is about 5 miles or 10 minutes away. We can fight about who drives later :) Can we all agree to
this one?
-We need to decide what time we want to get to the theatre. I am thinking at least two hours ahead of time, meaning 5:30. I think this should be fine. Agreed?
-Once we decide when we want to get to the theatre, we can decide when you want to get to my house! The earlier you get here, the more Mojito's you can drink! Mr. lrb *super excited, I FINALLY got to type THAT!* is off this day, so I won't have to worry about Master G AT ALL!!!
-Then ask me the most basic question. What do we eat? (Yeah, I am a dork!) Anyway...There is a Rubio's and an Albertson's in this strip mall. Or we can buy food on the way and eat in line, I don't care. What I do care about is that there is the ever important COLD STONE in this mall. And, there should also be plenty of places to go pee!
-Is there anything (re:alcohol) that we need to bring to the theatre besides us, alcohol, our tickets, and some liquor!
-CLOTHES! I have our shirts. I will wash them and you girls can put them on
here! I am SOOO excited and a super big dork!

Why - do I REALLY need to answer this one?
How - I think this is covered above somewhere...

Question recap-
What time do we want to get to the theatre?
When should I warn Mr. lrb that a bunch of crazy women are storming the house?
Should we drink...and what should we drink?
Food, we will need some food! And ice cream!!
Anything else?

Alright, I think that is a good start for us. I am sure I forgot something, but this is to just start getting us thinking!

I will email y'all later with totals on the tickets and shirts, but I am not super worried about it. I know how to find most of you! :)

Be Safe!!
Super-dorky, even-more-excited, way-too-old but don't-care lrb!!!

PS - HOW PROUD OF ME ARE YOU? An entire email with not a single fuck, shit, damnit all to hell, or son of a bitch! God, I AM PROUD OF ME!!! :)

Cool, huh! I asked questions, and DIDN'T swear! And what did I get for all my hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and sleepless nights? NOTHING!

Well, that's not true. GEM and I text and email ALL the time, and WE are cool-like-that, but from SM and SaN...nothing. I have a dorky Twilight reference, but really...I am not that funny, dorky, or lame...okay I am dorky and lame...but, no...I ain't going there, not tonight! :)

So, today, with (checking my math above) just over eight days to go, what did I send to my biotches!

This!

To: Green-Eyed Momster (GEM), Stresser-Mom (SM), and Still-a-Newlywed (SaN)
From: lrb
Subject: NEXT WEEK!!! EEEEKKKK!! Yes...I drop a few 'f' bombs...surprise!!

Alright ladies, now that my screaming is done...EMAIL ME BACK about my questions/suggestions far below (if you can look past the yummers!). I have only heard from GEM, so I know that half of us are making it next Friday!!! Come on...you don't even have to be as excited as I am about it, just let me know you still care! :)

Below is my MasterCard commercial for y'all!

I had to do this in fucking PAINT, for fuck's sake...so SaN *she is a graphic designer*, please be nice! Paint, which didn't have a pretty Twilight font, and is HARD as FUCK to use [that's what she said!!]! Did you all know that in Paint you can't select text and edit it after you have clicked off it to do something else...you have to edit it as you place it. So, you can't select existing text and, say, change the font, size, or add a FUCKING exclamation point! You have to un-do everything you have done, until you un-do the thing you want to edit! FUCK, do I love y'all or what?

And, yes, my exclamation points just MIGHT be pointing at someone's tingly bits! I didn't even plan that! Really, I didn't!

Can't wait till next week!! :) J"lrb"...which if you squint your eyes just right, looks like JPattz!! Take THAT SM (Pa"SM" doesn't match up right, you know!)

SIDE NOTE: To fully understand WTF on that siggy, you have to know that if you change two letters in my real last name, one of which is changing an 's' to a 'z', you get Pattz. Now, SM, whose real last name does at least start with a Pa, doesn't "flow" or meld into HHH (His Holy Hotness, in case GEM hasn't learned that bit of info!) like MY name does. BTW - since we are both married, I find this comparison even more funny! I had to explain, because using our fake names doesn't do my funny justice!

Oh...and here is the picture I SLAVED over in Paint! Clicky-clicky to read!

And, yeah, THIS finally got at least SaN to email me back. You would think the idea of liquor, a bunch of married old women, and frickin' Twilight would get a quicker response out of these ladies! Huh!?!

SIDE NOTE - Why do dog fart's stink so fucking much! Damn it all to fucking hell! Why do I have dogs again? Oh, and GEM, guess who ate a mango yesterday? A mango that was in a big ceramic bowl on the hutch (luckily the bowl didn't fall down and break when Max got to the mango); a mango that Master G was waiting to fully ripen so he could eat it? Max ate the pit and all...well, most of the pit and all; I found part of the pit and pieces of skin...all over my fucking living room floor! Do you know anyone who wants a stupid, but very handsome, dog?

Shoulda been my first post & one of the reasons I LOVE GEM!!

***one last try to make it pretty, see previous post***

So what I am about to ramble on about here is one of the reasons I wanted to start a blog to begin with. Another is so GEM and I can say we are Cool-Like-That (All Digable Planets style!)*If I was really cool like that, I would know how to make that a link to the You Tube video, damn it! But the song really isn't THAT cool! And, I am not really trying very hard either!*

Anyways...back to this blog post...

So, waaaay back in early September (I looked up the email string), I recieved a letter in my mailbox from GEM. MAIL, you know the thing that you need to put a stamp on and a person delivers it to your door....real slow like! Curious, and knowing it HAD to be good (GEM IS Cool-Like-That!), I tore open the envelope and what do I find?

This...

What is that, you ask? Here is a close up or three! (Don't hate on my super-mad "PAINT" skills to protect GEM's "innocence"!)

*Like, I wouldn't think it was funny, GEM!*

*I'll be the hot fudge on a cool, creamy Edward! *

Yeah, that's right, GEM found an envelope, addressed it, wasted a bill-paying-worthy stamp, and MAILED me a coupon...for Edward's Singles. I think it was the "You know you want me." that got her...and me!

This, of course, prompts a thank you letter...you know, the fast, interwebs way!

email to GEM from lrb-

Hello GEM-
I just got your letter. That shit cracks me up. I took pictures, and if I can find the time (translated to mean, never, damn it), you and your coupon are going to be my
first post on my "fake" blog...you know the one I created so I don't have all the twilight stuff connected to my "real" blog...you know the one that I don't ever update!!

I will let you know when I get the post done. I need to work some photoshop magic, to keep the innocent, namely you and your name, well, to keep you innocent!

:)lrb

And the back and forth begins....

GEM to lrb:

"I am SO GLAD you got the joke... I mean, I thought it was funny, but I was
like, what if she doesn't think it's funny? Then I look like such an asshole. Are we
twitards of our own?

I love that you are starting a fake blog... I keep trying to start one too, can't decide
between blogspot and livejournal, have you used either? where is your real blog? And I need my Team Jacob photo for 'my' blog! Ha!" email continues...something about hot rpattz smokin' a ciggy pictures..."I'm sorry but sometimes he just looks like a pudgy brit boy which is kinda what he is. Taycob NEVER looks like a pudgy white boy! ;) GEM" *This email response started the "pudgy brit boy" hate from GEM, see my ACTUAL first post - linked if I was cool-like-that!*

lrb to GEM:

"And he isn't pudgy, just white! I have nothing to say about Taycob...I am just awed
that you are using his name that way :) I don't refer to HIM as Robward...It is either Edward or Robert, depending on which fantasy I am telling/living/drooling over!!! :)"

GEM to lrb:

"I called him Taycob, to be honest, because I started out typing Jacob, knew that wasn't right, but sometimes have a hard time remembering if his name is TYLER or TAYLOR. Look, I just want to nail him, it's not like I want to get to know him or anything." *lrb note: What a fan GEM is, huh!?*

lrb to GEM:

"All I have to say is...I LOVE YOU...You complete me...You are my life now! Whatever, I can't imagine a funnier, nicer person with whom to be so incredibly dorky! (Warning---tangent---I hate the English language sometimes...ending sentences with prepositions just sounds so much better...and less pretentious and snooty...or maybe it is just a comfort thing?---tangent done!) Thanks for finally coming to the dark side...and by dark side, I mean that Taylor will never be a pudgy, white, British boy, so you can have him! I was amazed about the Taycob thing because that is what they call him, if you are "in the know", or read a lot of useless info on the interwebs!"...ramble, ramble... "Andddd...*I am a big "AND" person* I mentioned to Stresser Mom *who was stressing cuz she felt left out of the loop in the GEM/lrb twi-dorkiness!* today that I hadn't seen you in a while (okay, so it has been, what, like 2 weeks? FOREVER!!), but that we actually email quite a bit! I think it is funny and great and I LOVE you for it! And since that puts us back where I started this response, with me confessing my love for you, I am off to bed!"

So, GEM...

I LOVE YOU because...

You complete me!

You send me mail, through the post office

You mail me coupons that remind you, and me, of Edward and his dessert-y yummi-ness!

You will gladly let me have Robert, and I will bail you out of jail for it!

And, with that bit of poetry, I am off to bed!

:)lrb

PS - fucking blogger better fucking not fuck up my fucking formatting, FUCK!

I am stupid and I HATE blogger...

Before I hit publish my next post, I wanted to rant about my lack of understanding on the formatting functions of blogger!

WHY does the preview NOT look like the non-preview? WHY doesn't the non-preview show me what the fonts look like when I change them? WHY is it that EVERYTIME I return to non-preview, all my formatting goes to hell? WHY doesn't it always register my hard returns? WHY blogger, WHY? I am sure it is because I am a retard, but really, I'm not that retarded!

I just wanted that rant out of the way, because I know my next post is going to be all kinds of fucked up because of my retardation! I wanted someone (ie: GEM, cuz she is the only one that comes here!) to know that it isn't because I don't care, or that I don't want my blog to look pretty. It is because blogger SUCKS!!!

:(lrb