[With guest commentary from the b-day girl herself, GEM!!]
So, I made GEM a birthday card. [GEM note: I think what you *meant* to say is that ‘to honor your super-fabulous, most-fun friend EVER, you made her a birthday card.’ Just to be clear.] Technically, I bought her a birthday card, and I made it more better (as my step-dad would say. This, the same step-dad that says “ax” instead of “ask”, because he is an A-S-S! But I digress…really I do!).
And as an aside, because this is my blog and I can do that…I made this card instead of doing homework and then had to stay up till 2 am doing homework, because it still needed to be done, and I had to leave an “I’m horny but I might be too tired to wake up, but please try” note to my husband – who is working the crappy night shift right now and gets home from work at 3 am! Anyway, back to GEM and her b-day card. (Oh and I DID get some, in case you are wondering! :) And then had to wake up at 6:30 to get the boy ready for school :( !) [GEM: OMG I was SO NOT wondering! Ewwww! I know your husband! I like your husband! I don’t need to know that you guys have sex!]
At first, I was going to get GEM this card:
(Fix twilight card so can’t see Taylor pictures in background…or retake the damn thing!) [GEM: oh no you gotta leave it. You can’t ever remove Tay-Tay pics from anything, ever.] (So, I left it in for you, GEM!)
But she doesn’t like Edward (or Robert…I KNOW and I STILL am friends with her!) [GEM: This is not entirely true. Edward is a pompous blow-hard. I have come to love Interview Rob, and would totally have a mega-crush on him, but I am being gracious and letting Lost Rose have him since she saw him first. And, he’s white, and I have a thing for brown dudes. Like Jacob.]…she has a girl crush on Kristen, not Bella [GEM: Bella is a weenie and Kristen… Kristen is SO rad.], and she would really rather the card had one of the wolf pack, shirtless, on it, especially Taycob! [GEM: No, no, let’s not get carried away… I just want Jacob shirtless. The rest of the wolf pack is filler.] So, what do I do? I keep looking and I find this:
[Regular card]
Not perfect, but closer. I buy it, and my mind starts percolating! [GEM: Stand the fuck back, everybody, because Lost Rose’s mind is a scary, scary place.] I go trolling the internet when I get home, looking for any “old” picture of Taylor, and find these!
[Mess o’ Taylor pics]
I didn’t even care if they were going to fit on the card when I first printed them out. I was just trying to get the damn things printed before my nine-year old son (who likes to bust out my Twi-obsession in public – imagine my handsome little boy in a sing-songy and MUCH-TOO-LOUD voice saying, “Hey Mom, isn’t that Eddd-ward Cu-llllen”, much to my horror and his amusement, since I am still in the twi-closet – and doesn’t need ANY more fuel for that fire!) gets out of the shower and sees me on his computer, which for some reason is the only one that is hooked up to the fucking color printer!
But which of my Tay-Tay pictures do I use?
This?
[Super young and kind of creepy T]
This?
[Bad wig T]
Or HOLY HOT FUCK, THIS!!
[GEM: THIS ONE, THIS ONE, TOTALLY USE THIS ONE!]
But that really wasn’t enough. What, you say! Not enough??
I ALWAYS pick on GEM because she lusts after a 17-year old…in a purely platonic way, of course! And sure, Taylor bathes regularly, has sight-blinding white and super straight teeth, knows how to dress himself (or maybe he still has his mom dress him, he IS only seventeen!), and probably brushes his hair more often than my lovely pudgy British boy, and let’s not even start talking about Taycob’s abs, but, Robert is just beautiful! I think of it this way. GEM and I don’t fight over who licks the screen. [GEM: See? By letting LR have Rob, I ‘get’ Baby Tay-Tay and this way everyone’s happy! I’m so magnanimous!] Unless they are both on the screen! Then we hold hands and take turns; because we share and are gay like that! (GEM and I have fully adopted the “fake lesbian” lifestyle Letters to Twilight have featured time and time again!)
Damn, I got off track again! Gem’s b-day card and what I did to it! I decided that one picture wasn’t going to be enough. And, if I mailed the card, GEM really needed to know what I was thinking as I created it! And, so…
Project “GEM’s B-Day Card Fixer-Upper” is on! Supplies needed and gathered: Crappy kitchen scissors (because I don’t own a real pair), tape, glue stick, OG b-day card, lots of cute Taylor pics (both young and…uhhmm…younger?), a pen, and a butt-load of sticky notes! I took tons of pictures of my project, and then I remembered that my camera does video. I NEEDED to document ALL the wonder and joy that went into GEM’s b-day card. It NEEDED to be shared.
And THIS was created!
[fucking Blogger fail here!]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VVGaPi0dpU
[note from me...G*d damnit! I can't get the fucking video to load in Blogger and I promised GEM that I would get this damn thing up soon and I am SOOO fucking over it! So, you have to follow this fucking link to YouTube to see my lovely video! If I get the stupid thing to load, I will update the damn blog, but until then...sorry...sucks to be ME!!]
I am slightly embarrassed! [GEM: when really she should be damn proud. I am – does anyone have a finer fake-gay Twitarded girlfriend than I? I think not.]
I thought I was going to have to mail this to GEM so I got it all ready for the PO trip. Safe in the envelope that came with the card – and more sticky notes –, I wrapped the entire thing in red tissue paper, and shoved it, lovingly, into a bigger envelope that I then used clear mailing tape to hold the shape nice and tight (that’s what she said!).
Luckily GEM called before I got to the PO and we arranged a play date, the day before her b-day, which made me super excited because it meant I would get to actually SEE GEM open her card. She thought I got her a Twilight b-day card…I did buy the Twilight card; it is just MINE now, and my b-day isn’t until April! [GEM: She sleeps with it under her pillow, next to her New Moon ticket stub] (Me: NOT TRUE!)
For some reason, GEM said she was nervous about what I got her! I don’t know what I did to deserve that reputation. She really is the evil one! [GEM: Nuh-uh – *I* did not spend hours constructing the finest underage-beefcake birthday card EVER.]
Anyway, I got to see her open her card, and my favorite thing she said was…when she got to the last sticky, you know the one that said “ENJOY”…she said (oh, and don’t even TRY to deny it because I was recording your ass opening that damn thing so that I could remember what you said, GEM!!), “Do I see what’s under the last sticky?” Just a refresher so you don’t have to watch the entire video again…I put the sticky notes on the crotch of the man-whore…uhm, card model, because I didn’t want to cover up the abs. NOT BECAUSE I WAS HIDING A PENIS UNDER THERE FOR GOD’S SAKE, GEM!!! [Things like this are why I feel so guilty about … admiring… a 17 year old.]
Anyway, GEM got her card (and some cookies to boot), I got to watch her open her card, and then I showed her the lovely video of me and her card. She laughed about, “If I was any good, I would have made it rhyme!”, but it is so true! And she agreed that we had to share with the Twitarded girls! [GEM: Because let’s face it, if there’s a Twitarded hall of fame, Lost Rose just earned her spot.]
I just wanted to add one more thing…
I LOVE YOU, GEM…oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Here is some KStew porn to get you through your day...and the stupid video-fail-blogger that I am!
Cause I KNOW you dig the mullet!
In "honor" of our fake-lesbian love affair, and to showcase my Super-fuck-awesome MS Paint skills. I could change the world if I had a real graphics program and knew what the fuck I was doing, huh!!!
:)lrb
Sources:
Cool Dakota/KStew Runaways pic - Flix66; Nascar KStew/another Runaways pic - celebrityredcarpetstyle; GEM/lrb love - some google image site?; and the rest are ALL ME, Baby!!
