Where the HELL have I been for 6 mother fucking months!?!?!

4 months of school hell and the last 2 chock-full of time-wasting, blog-catching-up, and fucking fanfiction…that’s where! [Oh, and blogger sucks or I am a sucky blogger...whatever. I am NOT going back and reformatting this so my paragraohs do what they are fucking supposed to do. FUCK IT!!]

So, I knew that I had been lacking on the blog posts. Hell, I never was a heavy blog poster. I am MUCH more a lurker on other blogs - Twitarded, Robsessed, LLT, LTR, TwiBite, RAoR, and my new found time-waster, Twired (she’s in SD!)! Oh, and don't even get me started on my fanfiction, uhhhhmmmmm…..errrrr, problem!

I made a list of things I wanted/needed to blog about…months ago. Shit, there is a post I want to do about GEM and my Valentine’s Day fun-date!! And I want to post about GEM’s love affair with Lil Bro and Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. And GEM and I finally got our own mini E’s and a lopsided mini B and they have been on a few adventures (like humping the Salvatore brothers!), although they have been locked up for a while now. And a few items on the list I can’t remember what I was going to blog about! That’s not even mentioning shit that didn’t get to the old ass list like Remember Me, the Eclipse premiere, and GEM and her going to fucking France and NOT getting me a copy of THIS! Bitch!

So, the posts will come and be extremely outdated, but still funny at least to me! But first…Let the rambling begin!

So, Brit Lit I and II, French I, and a Reader’s Theatre class. 14 fucking units – NEVER AGAIN! I was bummed I didn’t get to really enjoy my literature classes, but there was just SO MUCH FUCKING reading to do. I’m afraid that fact of school life (too much reading) is not going away any time soon, since I want to major in fucking English! And the only reason I was able to make it through French was because my somewhat ginkgo-biloba deprived brain actually remembered a good chunk of the French I took in high school…20 years ago! But I made Dean’s list again with a 3.721 GPA! Holy fucking shit, batman…I.B.SMART! Or I fake it pretty good!

My boys helped with the semester from hell also. The boy, Master G, is old enough to feed and bathe himself and get to sleep on his own; he just doesn’t always do it in the timely manner that I would have liked, had I really been paying any attention. And Mr. lrb wasn’t working.

Now this last point is a double-edged sword. Not working means less pay…A LOT less. And A LOT of stress because of that lack of fundage. But Mr. lrb was able to keep Master G doing homework, take him to baseball practice, even becoming an un-official coach (he was SOOOO cute out there trying to not swear at other kids because they aren’t as cool as Master G!), feed the boy, and often times, feed me! He even occasionally loaded the dishwasher! I still unloaded the dishwasher and did laundry and went grocery shopping and cleaned the house because, really, this is Mr. lrb we are talking about and if he could use the dryer as a dresser he would, and has! And he doesn’t do stores. And he is a man. But I couldn’t have gotten through this semester without him! So, even though we were stressed, it was probably the best time ever for him to be out of work.

And because of the semester from hell, I had to quit the blogs and fanfiction or else I was going to FAIL! STOP IT COLD -FUCK! Well, I did still go to Robsessed (I had to make sure that HHH didn’t die or something) and I still went to Twitarded, because those twat waffles are funny as shit, but I pretty much stopped all other BS. And so for the last 2 months, since school let out, I have been catching up on my favorite blogs and reading WAY too much fanfiction! I used to wait until the boy was in bed or at least out of the room. But, NOT ANY MORE!! I just make sure that when the lemons are on screen, I watch for the boy sneaking up on me! He likes to hover and it drives me fucking batty! I caught up on a few stories that I was following. I finally read Master of the Universe and I LOVE ME SOME FIFTY!!! I even donated to the Fandom Gives Back, including donating for the EPOV proposal from Clipped Wings & Inked Armor before I even read the story…although I have read it twice now (and I randomly re-read parts of MotU at least once a week!)! I actually donated to 5 lovely ladies for FGB! [MotU, UoEM, CW&IA, COH, and Osa Bella!]

Oh and I just caved and read Emancipation Proclamation, staying up till 3am more than once, and finally finishing a few days ago. Because I did an all-fucking-nighter! All that before I realized the damn thing isn't even complete yet! FUCK ME. 77 motherfucking chapters, and most of the last 10 or so chapters are 60 fucking pages long! I haven’t decided which is worse…waiting and waiting and waiting for a story to update or becoming sleep deprived because ALL I want to do is keep reading, ALL FUCKING NIGHT LONG!!! I barely slept; didn’t clean much; I did have to go the store and do some laundry but that is only because I didn’t want my husband to divorce me…or block my wireless connection. I might have to cut-a-bitch…uhm, go all Lorena Bobbitt, if he even THOUGHT about fucking with my internet connection.

So, all this rambling to say, I’m going to do some lame and very late blog posts sooner or later. I’m going to aim for one a week. But school is starting in 3 weeks and I have 12 fucking units including a fucking Shakespeare class, and I really need to learn better time management so I don’t have to hide away for 4 months again. I can’t give up the fanfiction, or Rob, again! I mean, could you say goodbye to THIS?

FUCK!!!

My first day of the semester from HELL and I may end up out of the closet thanks to Twitarded!

[Note: This post has been sitting, incomplete, for almost two weeks! I mean, school started the 25^th of January! But, I do have resolution!]

So, I had my first day of class last night. Reader's Theatre! I am very apprehensive, but excited about this class. As I emailed to GEM last night, this class may…

...be the death of me. Or it may be the best class EVER!!!! I will let you know in a few weeks or after my first presentation, which won't be until the middle of March (at least the "official" presentations won't be until March...I had to get up in front of class today.)

Good things -

1. I won't be up there alone. This could be a bad thing since folks will be relying on me almost as much as I will be relying on them.
2. I really, REALLY wanted to be a drama dork, and this comes sort of close!
3. I get to go on a field trip...and I want to know if you would like to go with me! More details on that later, but it will be in May, on a weekend, and just to LA.
   

Bad things -

1. I will have to get up in front of the class and...SPEAK, and it will need to be coherent! And without stuttering, and other people are going to be graded on my speaking as well (see my first point above!)
2. Everyone in my class, with the exception of one lady...who happens to be the only one older than me - I know this doesn't mean anything; it is just a "thing" with me!...anyways, everyone in the class is a speech or drama dork. And they are comfortable doing it. And there are two folks that went to fucking LONDON, on *lrb's community college*'s dime, to compete inter-FUCKING-nationally and one of them placed fifth IN THE WORLD at this competition! Fuck, I am WAAAAAYYYYY out of my league here!!
3. The teacher is the fucking Dean of Forensics! And I now know what that means! I guess this isn't really a bad thing but now my list is even!
   
   

Overall, I am super excited about the class. It is drama-y enough to not be a straight speech class. It is speech-y enough to get me a damn COMM class credit. It is social enough that I might make some friends to help me through the damn class. And everyone seems super nice.

But, again, ask me in March how I feel about the class!

Overall, a great first day of class. I got up in front of people I do not know and did a lame skit with 3 other classmates on our "agreed-upon" 5 best and worst TV shows. I didn't pass out while I was up there, nor did I stutter. But really, all I had to do was read a TV show title or two, so…

Here is our list:

Best:

• House
• Jeopardy (or game shows - good games shows - in general)
• Entourage (Don't know this one, but I caved to peer pressure! It WAS a group list!)
• Mythbuster's
• Bones
  
  

Worst:

• Soap Opera's (We cheated again with a genre, but, really…Days of Our Lives is so old!)
• Sports Center
• UFC (I had to give them this one…mainly because I am non-confrontational and a wimp)
• Housewives of ANY County!
• Launch my Line (another I haven't seen, other than commercials, but I am sure I would agree)
  

And what does this have to do with maybe being outed from the Twi-closet? Well. I was brave enough to take my Twitarded travel mug to Mr. P's class last semester and last night I figured; what the hell! It was cold…I wanted hot tea…I brought the mug. [I do keep the lovely vampy JJ and STY facing me the entire time that I drink and I make sure that the cute little vamps don't scare anyone with their awesome-ness! Okay, maybe I am still hiding! But it is a start, and down-right nerve-wracking, to have them with me in public! Baby steps, right!] Anyways, I left my damn mug in class last night!

THIS MUG!

I emailed my teacher this morning and I have a nasty feeling she is going to ask me about the cute stick-figure vampire chicks on my mug when I go pick it up! She is the fucking Dean of Forensics, for fuck's sake. Of course, now that I know Forensics doesn't exactly equal Gil "the Great" Grissom, I might be over-reacting, but who wouldn't want to know who the stick vamps are? Fuck…I am going to have to tell my classically trained (at least her voice and posture hints that she was classically trained), wants-to-make-me-talk-cuz-it's-her-job, scary (not in looks, just profession) RT teacher that I lurk on a Twilight-themed blog! Would it be bad to immediately defend the blog with, "But, they make fun of it, too!" Is that too transparent? Defensive? Am I over-reacting? We shall see. First I have to get my damn mug back, because THAT really is the important thing here.

Off to British Literature I AND II, and French! I may have to kill myself this semester! GEM, you ARE going to help me, right!

lrb

So, the addendum to this story is as follows.

After MANY emails back and forth with my teacher and through the course of a week, I thought I was screwed. I was going to have to fork over another 25 fricking dollars, because I LOVE that mug…even though it doesn't keep shit as hot as I would like it. My teacher thought she remembered seeing it, but didn't pick it up, I was an "ultra-maroon" and didn't even go to the class to look myself, and by the weekend, I was positive I would have to get a new mug. Along comes Monday and my Reader's Theatre class. I am hoping the teacher has found it but won't show it off in class. I am hoping she doesn't ask me about it. (Because really! Emailing your teacher after the very first class to ask her about a stupid mug, no matter HOW COOL the mug is, how pathetic is that!?) What do I want? Will someone know? Am I waaayyyy toooo obsessive about staying in my precious closet? Don't answer that last question! I walk into class and I don't even look around. I make a bee-line to my seat, carrying a large iced tea and a frosty! Someone leaving class said, "Now THAT girl knows how to come to class!" The teacher calls role and barely looks at me when I say, "Here." Okay, I am at least out of one potential outage scenario. But I still don't have my mug.

Class goes on and at the break, I go to the bathroom. And on re-entering the room, as if the moon was shining down and the planets had just all aligned in perfect fucking harmony, there sitting on a table at the back of the room (we enter from the back)…is my mug! Yes! My mug is back…the teacher did or didn't notice (she probably forgot because, really, it was not on her list of crimes to solve!) so she didn't out me in front of the class. I didn't even tell her I found it, because, really, did she even care? (Or because I am a chicken shit and was afraid she would ask about it?) I didn't have to explain my obsession with a poorly written, young adult novel series and admit my love admiration for a beautiful, British boy. Because once you break the seal, watch fucking out!!!

My only complaint, and it is a very small one, is that mug stunk! A week's worth of the dregs from a cup of luke-warm tea with some milk in it and, damn! BUT I GOT THE MUG BACK and I am still, even more firmly, IN THE TWI-CLOSET!!!

GEM, you may have to hold me!

I am FINALLY reading the Wide Awake epilogues tonight! I have an entire FFFF (Fucking FanFiction Fail) post started – Hell, I started one two weeks ago and never finished it – but it isn’t going to get done before I read tonight so…GEM, you may have to hold me! Good thing we are hanging out tomorrow. I will be able to tell you about it. And you can hold me!

And please apologize to The Uptight Yankee if I text you 500 times tonight for the support! I am so worried that AG is going to turn me into a puddle of angsty, sappy, don’tknowificanhandleit, ectoplasmic goo! It could be the bad goo flowing in the sewers under NYC, waiting to turn every mother fucker into a mean, nasty, evil…uhmmm…NY’er, or it could be the good goo…coating the Statue of Liberty, “Lifting me Higher!”, and kicking some major Carpathian ass!

And this is before I accept that, once I have read the epi’s, it will really be over! FUCK! I have faith in AG...that I WILL be a fucking mess tonight!

Yeah, GEM better give good text!

G*d Damned "friends" are ignoring me...thank damn G*d for GEM!

*AND I am still blogger-retarded, so I will try real HARD (hee, hee!) to get this to format all pretty like I want it to be, but no fucking guarantees! It is 1:30am and Max, my stupid boxer, keeps on farting....FUCK!*

So, with only eight or nine or ten, FUCK I can't do math...200 hours, god that seems SOOO long (that's what she said!)...back to days, it is less depressing...off to count on both hands...FUCK!

Starting over...Oh, and this WILL be very ramble-y! You (GEM, my lone reader, and the only one that matters in my life anyways, cuz we are gay like that*readhercommentatend*!) have been warned!

So, with just over eight days to go till I get to see New Moon with my biotches, to say I am excited is a bit of an understatement (meiosis, just for GEM so you know I take notes in my lit class - and the link references flesh wounds & Monty Python and the Holy Grail, BONUS!!) I don't nearly pee myself when I think of what I will be doing on November 20th @ 7:30pm. No, I wouldn't go that far (hyperbole...GEM!)

Anyways...So, I emailed my girls last week and only GEM got back to me, probably because she is the only one that loves me *youclickedthelinkabove,right*!

Here is the email from last week:

To: Green-Eyed Momster (GEM), Stresser-Mom (SM), and Still-a-Newlywed (SaN)
From: lrb
Subject: Girls, in 17 days from when I started typing this email...

...we will have seen IT!!! Yes, IT, and I CAN"T WAIT!!!!!

As I mentioned to y'all in an email last week, I have started to NOT lurk around some of my "news" sites so that I can become re-virginified! Every once in a while, I
see a still, but no more movie trailers - fan-made, Summit-released, official, not official, NONE OF IT!!!!

I just side-tracked my own email! Moving on...

So, I thought we needed to start thinking about a plan of attack!
Here are some who, what, when, why, and how's for us to discuss!

Who - well that one is easy...US
What - YOU KNOW!! IT!!!
When's and where's and some more what's...
-I think we should all meet at my house and take only one car. The theatre is about 5 miles or 10 minutes away. We can fight about who drives later :) Can we all agree to
this one?
-We need to decide what time we want to get to the theatre. I am thinking at least two hours ahead of time, meaning 5:30. I think this should be fine. Agreed?
-Once we decide when we want to get to the theatre, we can decide when you want to get to my house! The earlier you get here, the more Mojito's you can drink! Mr. lrb *super excited, I FINALLY got to type THAT!* is off this day, so I won't have to worry about Master G AT ALL!!!
-Then ask me the most basic question. What do we eat? (Yeah, I am a dork!) Anyway...There is a Rubio's and an Albertson's in this strip mall. Or we can buy food on the way and eat in line, I don't care. What I do care about is that there is the ever important COLD STONE in this mall. And, there should also be plenty of places to go pee!
-Is there anything (re:alcohol) that we need to bring to the theatre besides us, alcohol, our tickets, and some liquor!
-CLOTHES! I have our shirts. I will wash them and you girls can put them on
here! I am SOOO excited and a super big dork!

Why - do I REALLY need to answer this one?
How - I think this is covered above somewhere...

Question recap-
What time do we want to get to the theatre?
When should I warn Mr. lrb that a bunch of crazy women are storming the house?
Should we drink...and what should we drink?
Food, we will need some food! And ice cream!!
Anything else?

Alright, I think that is a good start for us. I am sure I forgot something, but this is to just start getting us thinking!

I will email y'all later with totals on the tickets and shirts, but I am not super worried about it. I know how to find most of you! :)

Be Safe!!
Super-dorky, even-more-excited, way-too-old but don't-care lrb!!!

PS - HOW PROUD OF ME ARE YOU? An entire email with not a single fuck, shit, damnit all to hell, or son of a bitch! God, I AM PROUD OF ME!!! :)

Cool, huh! I asked questions, and DIDN'T swear! And what did I get for all my hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and sleepless nights? NOTHING!

Well, that's not true. GEM and I text and email ALL the time, and WE are cool-like-that, but from SM and SaN...nothing. I have a dorky Twilight reference, but really...I am not that funny, dorky, or lame...okay I am dorky and lame...but, no...I ain't going there, not tonight! :)

So, today, with (checking my math above) just over eight days to go, what did I send to my biotches!

This!

To: Green-Eyed Momster (GEM), Stresser-Mom (SM), and Still-a-Newlywed (SaN)
From: lrb
Subject: NEXT WEEK!!! EEEEKKKK!! Yes...I drop a few 'f' bombs...surprise!!

Alright ladies, now that my screaming is done...EMAIL ME BACK about my questions/suggestions far below (if you can look past the yummers!). I have only heard from GEM, so I know that half of us are making it next Friday!!! Come on...you don't even have to be as excited as I am about it, just let me know you still care! :)

Below is my MasterCard commercial for y'all!

I had to do this in fucking PAINT, for fuck's sake...so SaN *she is a graphic designer*, please be nice! Paint, which didn't have a pretty Twilight font, and is HARD as FUCK to use [that's what she said!!]! Did you all know that in Paint you can't select text and edit it after you have clicked off it to do something else...you have to edit it as you place it. So, you can't select existing text and, say, change the font, size, or add a FUCKING exclamation point! You have to un-do everything you have done, until you un-do the thing you want to edit! FUCK, do I love y'all or what?

And, yes, my exclamation points just MIGHT be pointing at someone's tingly bits! I didn't even plan that! Really, I didn't!

Can't wait till next week!! :) J"lrb"...which if you squint your eyes just right, looks like JPattz!! Take THAT SM (Pa"SM" doesn't match up right, you know!)

SIDE NOTE: To fully understand WTF on that siggy, you have to know that if you change two letters in my real last name, one of which is changing an 's' to a 'z', you get Pattz. Now, SM, whose real last name does at least start with a Pa, doesn't "flow" or meld into HHH (His Holy Hotness, in case GEM hasn't learned that bit of info!) like MY name does. BTW - since we are both married, I find this comparison even more funny! I had to explain, because using our fake names doesn't do my funny justice!

Oh...and here is the picture I SLAVED over in Paint! Clicky-clicky to read!

And, yeah, THIS finally got at least SaN to email me back. You would think the idea of liquor, a bunch of married old women, and frickin' Twilight would get a quicker response out of these ladies! Huh!?!

SIDE NOTE - Why do dog fart's stink so fucking much! Damn it all to fucking hell! Why do I have dogs again? Oh, and GEM, guess who ate a mango yesterday? A mango that was in a big ceramic bowl on the hutch (luckily the bowl didn't fall down and break when Max got to the mango); a mango that Master G was waiting to fully ripen so he could eat it? Max ate the pit and all...well, most of the pit and all; I found part of the pit and pieces of skin...all over my fucking living room floor! Do you know anyone who wants a stupid, but very handsome, dog?

Shoulda been my first post & one of the reasons I LOVE GEM!!

***one last try to make it pretty, see previous post***

So what I am about to ramble on about here is one of the reasons I wanted to start a blog to begin with. Another is so GEM and I can say we are Cool-Like-That (All Digable Planets style!)*If I was really cool like that, I would know how to make that a link to the You Tube video, damn it! But the song really isn't THAT cool! And, I am not really trying very hard either!*

Anyways...back to this blog post...

So, waaaay back in early September (I looked up the email string), I recieved a letter in my mailbox from GEM. MAIL, you know the thing that you need to put a stamp on and a person delivers it to your door....real slow like! Curious, and knowing it HAD to be good (GEM IS Cool-Like-That!), I tore open the envelope and what do I find?

This...

What is that, you ask? Here is a close up or three! (Don't hate on my super-mad "PAINT" skills to protect GEM's "innocence"!)

*Like, I wouldn't think it was funny, GEM!*

*I'll be the hot fudge on a cool, creamy Edward! *

Yeah, that's right, GEM found an envelope, addressed it, wasted a bill-paying-worthy stamp, and MAILED me a coupon...for Edward's Singles. I think it was the "You know you want me." that got her...and me!

This, of course, prompts a thank you letter...you know, the fast, interwebs way!

email to GEM from lrb-

Hello GEM-
I just got your letter. That shit cracks me up. I took pictures, and if I can find the time (translated to mean, never, damn it), you and your coupon are going to be my
first post on my "fake" blog...you know the one I created so I don't have all the twilight stuff connected to my "real" blog...you know the one that I don't ever update!!

I will let you know when I get the post done. I need to work some photoshop magic, to keep the innocent, namely you and your name, well, to keep you innocent!

:)lrb

And the back and forth begins....

GEM to lrb:

"I am SO GLAD you got the joke... I mean, I thought it was funny, but I was
like, what if she doesn't think it's funny? Then I look like such an asshole. Are we
twitards of our own?

I love that you are starting a fake blog... I keep trying to start one too, can't decide
between blogspot and livejournal, have you used either? where is your real blog? And I need my Team Jacob photo for 'my' blog! Ha!" email continues...something about hot rpattz smokin' a ciggy pictures..."I'm sorry but sometimes he just looks like a pudgy brit boy which is kinda what he is. Taycob NEVER looks like a pudgy white boy! ;) GEM" *This email response started the "pudgy brit boy" hate from GEM, see my ACTUAL first post - linked if I was cool-like-that!*

lrb to GEM:

"And he isn't pudgy, just white! I have nothing to say about Taycob...I am just awed
that you are using his name that way :) I don't refer to HIM as Robward...It is either Edward or Robert, depending on which fantasy I am telling/living/drooling over!!! :)"

GEM to lrb:

"I called him Taycob, to be honest, because I started out typing Jacob, knew that wasn't right, but sometimes have a hard time remembering if his name is TYLER or TAYLOR. Look, I just want to nail him, it's not like I want to get to know him or anything." *lrb note: What a fan GEM is, huh!?*

lrb to GEM:

"All I have to say is...I LOVE YOU...You complete me...You are my life now! Whatever, I can't imagine a funnier, nicer person with whom to be so incredibly dorky! (Warning---tangent---I hate the English language sometimes...ending sentences with prepositions just sounds so much better...and less pretentious and snooty...or maybe it is just a comfort thing?---tangent done!) Thanks for finally coming to the dark side...and by dark side, I mean that Taylor will never be a pudgy, white, British boy, so you can have him! I was amazed about the Taycob thing because that is what they call him, if you are "in the know", or read a lot of useless info on the interwebs!"...ramble, ramble... "Andddd...*I am a big "AND" person* I mentioned to Stresser Mom *who was stressing cuz she felt left out of the loop in the GEM/lrb twi-dorkiness!* today that I hadn't seen you in a while (okay, so it has been, what, like 2 weeks? FOREVER!!), but that we actually email quite a bit! I think it is funny and great and I LOVE you for it! And since that puts us back where I started this response, with me confessing my love for you, I am off to bed!"

So, GEM...

I LOVE YOU because...

You complete me!

You send me mail, through the post office

You mail me coupons that remind you, and me, of Edward and his dessert-y yummi-ness!

You will gladly let me have Robert, and I will bail you out of jail for it!

And, with that bit of poetry, I am off to bed!

:)lrb

PS - fucking blogger better fucking not fuck up my fucking formatting, FUCK!